Goodbye’s Too Good a Word, Babe

We all know the drill, whether we abide by it or not.

If you love something, LET. IT. GO. Because you can’t control if you love something, that’s just how the heart works. But sometimes the heart loves toxic things. Why? I don’t have the answer to that abnormality. All I know is – if you love something, LET IT GO.

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… And I know that oftentimes it feels like you’ve failed. I know that oftentimes walking away feels like you’ve thrown in the towel but if you look deep enough (believe me, this is really hard), take a deep breath in and just trust yourself, you have not given up. You fought long, and you fought hard.

I fought hard. I fought too hard.

I’ve poured out so much verbiage in the last couple weeks or so that I’ve nearly drained myself entirely. Punched way above my weight. It also feels strange to think that perhaps this entry will be read and what I’m saying will register with someone. My words have been disregarded and skimmed over so much that I’ve practically convinced myself that maybe I haven’t actually said anything at all.

But I still have a voice. So…

I had to walk away from someone I love because I am not at a point in my life where I’m ready to be categorized as insane (doing something over and over again and expecting a different result). However, I’ve finally gained the strength to stand up and pick up the pieces before I completely lost myself.

Lessons have been learned. God, I hope they stick because you only get ONE life.

List form, for easy digestion:

1. LADIES. GENTLEMEN. DO. NOT. SETTLE. Do not settle for someone who calls you horrible names, belittles you, demeans you in any way, shames you or blames you. Do not settle for someone who thinks that objects make up for those actions. Do not settle for someone who has you censoring yourself to keep the peace. Do not settle for someone who wrongfully accuses you, projects onto you or isolates you from your friends. Do not settle for someone you walk on eggshells around. Do not settle for someone who has you Googling the definition of GASLIGHTING or other terms you should never have to Google. If you’re Googling those terms, you’re already in a bad spot. Don’t settle in that spot because of LOVE. (PS – Love makes no sense, but that’s the way it is.)

2. I am a lover… AND a fighter. I’m a fighter in the sense that I fought so hard to understand a situation, I fought so hard to make it work that I stayed in a situation that was poisonous and detrimental to my mental and physical health.

3. You cannot stay in a poisonous situation, putting on a smile and yearning for change. Stay present, focus on the present, and don’t concentrate your efforts on an optimistic illusion that may never come to fruition – no matter how much it is being promised or has been promised to you. Focus on RIGHT NOW. If you don’t, you will tire and eventually, you will break. That’s what happened to me – and I BROKE. If something does not change, you have to make a change yourself. You hold the key to your own happiness and as much as you want to believe someone else does, it’s just not true. You can’t carry all the weight. True change must happen at both ends and you cannot force it.

 

4. I cannot place full blame on another. As much as I have been devastated by this behaviour and disregard for my feelings, there’s something in me that just kept trying. There’s something in me I need to pinpoint and work on. And I will.

5. I’ve learned that I have qualities that make me .. me.

And I like them! And I need them. Those traits were pushed deeper and deeper until I couldn’t find them at all. One day I noticed I didn’t recognize myself.

So here I am, reminding myself what I am:

Sensitive.
Hilarious.
Stubborn.
Smart.
Outgoing.
Talkative.
Friendly.
Passionate.
Faithful.
Honest.
Expressive.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. If you think I love you, it’s because I do. I have a lot of passions and interests, which help make me a complex and intelligent person. I lead with my heart, for better or for worse.

I LOVE MUSIC. MUSIC IS MY LIFE. So yes, I attend shows where my sole goal is to LISTEN and SEE music and HAVE FUN. Shocking.

 

I love my hometown. And I love my hockey team. And I adore my friends (male and female) and my family. I text and call them often – the boy ones too! And that’s normal!

 

 

 

6. I’ve learned what love is not. Love is not distrust. It is not explosive anger. Love does not belittle, mock, manipulate, withdraw, withhold love and affection or gaslight. Love is not constrictive. Love is not anxiety. Love is not unsupportive. It is not judgmental or accusatory. Love is open. It does not stockpile criticisms over time to reveal on occasion. Or ever. It is also not for sure. It requires upkeep and daily practice. Love is a choice you make every day. Love does not question its existence. It just is. And it is evident, and easy. Love does not keep a tally of deeds done or items purchased (especially to bring them up later, or ask for them back). Love balances love. Love is not only in the grand gestures. It’s in the traces, in the hints, in the undercurrents. Love is not found in biting insults. Love does not ignore. Love is apologetic and remorseful. Love does not ignore tears. It addresses concerns and wipes them away. Love listens without discrimination.

AND it pains me to say: Love is not enough. Cynical, maybe. But true.

7. I COME FIRST. Self-love, people. SELF FREAKING WORTH. I still can’t fully grasp it but I do recognize that I NEED TO.

I am plagued with insecurity, and for some reason have been crippled with the false notion that negative words and behaviour used toward me are true, acceptable and justified.

I have stayed in a relationship that has time and time again blatantly reinforced the doubts I have in myself. On what planet is that okay?

Once I truly love myself, I can embark on a relationship where I am cherished. Consistently. With self-love, I know I’ll be able to see clearer. I will recognize that love does not have to be difficult or strenuous. It can be easy. It should be. I see it all the time in others and YES – I DESERVE IT TOO.

 

 

 

I could ramble forever but I’ll spare you. If you love something and you’ve poured everything into a glimmer of hope that it could change for the better an infinite amount of times and it HAS NOT, let it it go. Let them go. Allow them the freedom to reflect, recognize and perhaps make a positive change. But you don’t have to be dragged through the mud while it happens. It’s damaging and not your battle.

You already have a battle, it’s you and your own journey. No need to be fighting someone else’s war.

I truly appreciate every individual in my life who has offered their support as I hung onto this for dear life, trying to resuscitate it. I understand the frustration, the helplessness and the fear that I’d never see through the wool pulled so tightly over my eyes. It’s a hard road, it will be a hard road, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel – and that light .. is ME.

Cheers! To recognizing your worth.