On This Day

The Facebook On This Day feature can be quite unpleasant.

Each day, it delivers unsolicited memories to your newsfeed – and hey – sometimes they’re great. Photos of bachelorette parties and birthdays and vacations nuzzle their way back into your brain and you can celebrate those golden memories that crept just a little out of reach. Thank goodness cause I TOTALLY FORGOT I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT WINE CAME OUT OF MY NOSE ON SEPTEMBER 7, 2013!

But then there are the opposite, the ones that hit you a little harder. However, instead of sobbing, I’m choosing to see my strength and to appreciate how much I’ve grown.

Facebook reminded me that one year ago, I wrote and published this entry:
You Are Meant to Be Your Own Saviour

And instead of feeling sad, I felt inspired. Empowered. Who am I compared to then? Who am I one year after taking that first step out of a perpetual cycle of damage? Where would I be if I hadn’t taken it?

One year ago I decided to stand up for myself and begin a journey of healing. It was not the first time I had made that decision – but it turns out that it was the best time – it was the time that stuck.

One year ago, I stood at the top of a metaphorical mountain and metaphorically screamed.

One year ago, I decided that my purpose in Toronto (and in LIFE) wasn’t to be an emotional punching bag.

One year ago, I put my foot down and decided that HEY! I like me. I like the things that I like. I make decisions and they are my decisions.

One year ago, I decided to reclaim my interests and rediscover the magic that had been concealed for so long.

One year ago, I also decided to re-evaluate my relationship with myself and who I surround myself with.

One year ago, I decided it was the last time.

 

Throughout these 365 days, I’ve felt anxiety and emptiness and grief. I have broken down. But throughout these 365 days, I’ve balanced each of those emotions with resilience, determination and a commitment to repair myself.

 

 

One year later, I can stand tall. I feel lighter.

One year later, I’m not scared anymore.

One year later, I’ve regained my voice, my smile, my sparkle. I laugh every day.

One year later, I feel loved. And worthy of it.

One year later, I didn’t realize I’d ever get here.

 

No matter what the situation – I hope you can draw similarities. In those darkest of hours, I never thought that one year later the sun would shine as bright as it does today. If you would have told me that in one year I would be where I am mentally, I would have never believed you. In fact, I didn’t believe anyone.

There have been setbacks – but the most important thing is that there has been no turning around. The setbacks get smaller; they are now few and far between. They come naturally, and amazingly … they lessen.

This was depression. This was a vicious and controlling situation. This was a continuously anxious state. This was everything, my whole world, and it became nothing but a memory — you just have to put that one foot in front of the other and pull yourself up and out. And guess what? If it sounds difficult, it’s because it is. I’m not here to sugar coat.

It absolutely pains me to think where I would be if I didn’t decide I was strong enough .. to be happy. To move forward. To see that brighter light cracking through the clouds.

And so the saying goes – a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Actually – it begins with one really hard and arduous step, then a lot of achy quivering miles, then some easier miles, then a thousand miles of being happy you took that first step and then smelling the roses and partaking in adventures and LOVING YOURSELF along the way.

On this day a year ago, I made a choice.
And on THIS day, I am better for it.

Thanks for the reminder, Facebook.